whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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