I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
