I wanna bring you to show and tell
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We had sex on a dog bed..
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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