I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
