dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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