John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
