Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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