Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
