If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
