I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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