I hate all girls vehemently.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
