I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
