I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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