my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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