If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
and you fell through a lawn chair
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
