I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
