So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
