Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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