Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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