My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
