I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
