it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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