I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
