Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
