Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
