I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize