Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
