I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
