life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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