Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
