I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
