I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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