I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
