I'm so fucking centered right now
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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