he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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