My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
bring money and cleavage
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
