I accidentally had phone sex last night
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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