She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
