there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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