i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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