What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
