i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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