My friends, they love my intelligence
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
