A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My bed smells like the plague
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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