You made me cry and you don't even care
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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