Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
