Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
