Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
