My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
