I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
