this beer tastes like vomit already
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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