i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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