Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
