OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
