She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
